A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
