just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
