she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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