i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
