Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
