this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Randomize
