Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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