Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
