I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
