i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
