I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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