New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
