Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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