I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
