Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
