It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
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