I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
