Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
