Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
