I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
