My girlfriend figured out who you are.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
