he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
