she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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