if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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