I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
