Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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