Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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