I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
