someone get that fucking seahorse.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
