I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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