that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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