just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
