just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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