I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
grandma shit on top of the toilet
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
