You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
