You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
