i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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