I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
