Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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