He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
