I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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