Need sex. Gaining weight.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
