What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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