After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
