We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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