Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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