so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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