Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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