what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
