i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
