Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
