im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
