she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
