Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize